So at some point between cocktails and sleep I travelled from “down” in the ship to the Lido deck. Lido-The term lido is an Italian word for beach. Thank you Wikipedia. There really is a Lido deck, The Love Boat did not make that up. Captain Stubeing, Julie, and Isaac the bartender were fabrications of a demented mind but the Lido deck is real! It has sunning areas laid out in an amphitheater style, a stage, Jacuzzis, the buffets, and a bar. In fact the coliseum like layout was the perfect setting for my latest humiliation. It was like a gladiators death the way my self-image died! As I was saying I walked up to the Lido deck and as soon as I got through the sliding double glass doors I see our group and my lovely bride. They seemed happy and in high spirits, but I was soon to learn that their positioning was a tactical ambush. Like assassins laying a trap they were there….waiting. Patient as crocodiles. Cunning as lionesses. The silent panthers in the night awaiting the unsuspecting fawn. Yours truly was the fawn. You see my innocent Hoosier senses were stunned by the loud noise and blinding sunlight as my bride tells me I had just missed the hairy chest contest. Little did I know the rest of the pride was arranging my late entry in to the contest. So I let my guard down and enjoyed the spectacle! I laughed with the rest of the Romans filling the coliseum and then they struck! We got you in as a late entry “she” says. Who “she” was I don’t recall because my mind was numb with terror, my guts turned to water as self realization dawned…I was next to walk the bloody sands of the coliseum and die for the crowds pleasure! So I walked the steps and as the music began I shook my money maker. I didn’t win the hairy chest contest, that particular honor went to a man of Indian decent. That doesn’t bother me because India has a long tradition of dancers par excellence, and in the end I am still huge in India!! The rub is I saw myself on the ships TV a day later…..we are on the Atkins diet now! My target weight is only 25 lbs away (after a morning poo).
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